It was the first Friday in June. Graduation was over. teachers and students were clearing out offices, desks and lockers. For Coach Elrod it was a poignant moment. It truly was his last day of school. Summer vacation would stretch in to retirement.
The office he had occupied for the last twenty years contained a menagerie of spiders and Golum the refugee lizard (orphaned for terrorizing a family’s Yorkie-Poo.) The walls, adorned with team photos and student artwork, were interspersed with statistical charts, certificates, trophies and an eight year old calendar that memorialized a championship year.
In the corner, across from his desk, was an antique wooden locker. Slumped against the locker was a metal heap. Twenty years ago that heap was touted as the “highly advanced Instructional Arts Network, v.9, Multi-Use Assistant Teaching Technology,” or M.A.T.T for short. Elrod was fond of the heap which had been presented as Elrod’s assistant the day he became Head of the PE Department.
Elrod clicked a small remote on his desk. In the corner, Matt emitted whirrs, clicks and clanks as he pulled himself erect. His eyes flickered a few times before the lamps remained steady. “Hi Coach” slurred Matt, as the voice system activated.
“Hello Matt” said Elrod.
Matt was originally six foot tall. Now he was six foot one but only on the left side. His left foot and leg had been replaced. His head was a squat copper colored rectangle box with antenna (also mismatched due to replacement). Eyes mouth and nose were all fixed on his face to record sensory input. He could show expression by flickering his eye lamps and changing the inflection of his voice. The rest of his body was much like his head. His torso, an elongated rectangular oval attached by a tubular waist to another squat copper rectangle to make his hips. His neck and waist were made up of flexible metal tubing to allow him to bend and twist. Mismatched limbs completed his scrap heap fashion. The letters M.A.T.T. had been riveted to the front of his torso, but over the course of the years, he had been subjected to numerous pranks. One turned the letter ‘A’ upside down which made his name appear to be M.U.T.T. He truly was a Mutt. His shiny copper polish was long gone. Scratches, dents and rents completed his geriatric facade.
Elrod had done his best to keep Matt maintained. Instructional Arts Network (IAN) went bankrupt two years after the school had purchased Matt. Re-Tech, a technology recycling and re-purposing company, acquired all of IANs spare parts and residual technology. Elrod was able to secure replacement parts and upgrades from Re-Tech, but they only peddled the existing inventory. They did not engage in further development, nor did they manufacture replacement parts. Once depleted, that was it. Elrod did his best to adapt similar parts to keep Matt functional.
“Coach, by my calculations, today is the last day of school before the summer break. Shall I begin preparing for the summer sport camps?” asked Matt.
“Ahhh, I guess I forgot to tell you," sighed Elrod apologetically, "today we clean out my office for good. I’m retiring. Someone new will take over this summer.” Elrod sighed.
“Who will that be, I wonder,” clicked Matt, his speech program warmed up and working smoothly. “I hope I like your replacement,” he added wistfully.
“Heh, about that,” Elrod coughed, “Umm, I think you’re replaced too.”
Agitated, Matt whirred and clanked like an out of balance washing machine. A shriek and a high pressure hiss of steam emanated from Matt. It was horrible. Elrod ducked behind his desk, afraid Matt was going to explode.
“Noooo! Noooo! Noooo!” Matt moaned, pacing frantically in a tight circle in front of the desk.
Elrod didn’t know what to do.
Matt stopped, slammed his hands on the desk and wailed, “What happens to me? They’re going to scrap me aren’t they?” he leaned over the desk and put his face in front of Elrod's.
Elrod caught off guard, hadn’t really thought about what would happen to Matt. “Umm I don’t know.” he worried. He had never seen Matt so agitated.
Matt begged him, “Please coach! Don’t let them scrap me! Please help me! Please find out! Oh Please! I don’t want to be scrapped!” Matt whined and paced, his mismatched arms flailing in agitation.
Elrod scratched his head. He didn’t know what to do.
In desperation, he said loudly to be heard over the wailing Matt, “Tell ya what, start packing up the office. I will go talk to Principal Jp and see what she says.”
Matt quieted and stared at Elrod. He clung to every word.
Elrod placed a gym bag and a couple of boxes on the desk. “Fold my gym clothes and put them in the bag. Take the photos and drawings off the wall and put them in one box. Take the books from the shelf and put them in the other box." Elrod paused and said, "leave the text books, I won’t be needing those, just pack the Anne Rice and Stephen King novels.”
Matt sniffled, “Thank you Coach.”
Elrod looked hard at Matt, “Are you crying?” He was relieved the wild agitation had subsided.
Matt picked up a dirty gym towel and wiped at his face “No my vision line is leaking, I think the tubing needs to be replaced.”
Elrod nodded. He didn’t want to embarrass the old guy further so he left and made his way to Jp’s office. He felt bad he hadn’t thought about Matt. He knew better, the school would view Matt as an obsolete piece of equipment. They would shut him down and send him to the scrap yard.
It took him longer than he expected to traverse the school. Between his office in the gym and the administrative offices at the front of the school, he encountered students who wanted to congratulate him, swap jokes, offer hi-fives and express their sadness that he was leaving. He was a popular teacher.
Eventually, he arrived at Jp’s door. It was open and as usual a crowd of students hovered around her desk asking questions and telling stories. Jp would also retire, but not until the end of summer. Unlike Elrod, she would train her replacement.
At attention, behind Jp’s desk was the latest model of Advanced Management Instruction Assistant or A.M.I.A. Where Matt looked like a mangled pile of pipes, Amia was smooth and fluid. The current technological advancements had created sleek efficient robots. Amia was a shiny carbon skinned robot. Her features were recognizable as female, in much the same way the symbol on the door of the women’s room looked like a female.
“Hello, Coach Elrod,” greeted Amia in her silky smooth voice, “Principal Jp is currently meeting with students. I suggest you have a seat outside and I will let you know when she is available.” Amia smiled and blinked her emerald green eyes at him.
He felt like he’d just reached the 3D version of Jp’s voicemail. Amia creeped him out and he was pretty sure it did not like him. He had mentioned to Jp once, she told him he was being silly, Amia didn't have feelings.
“Uh OK,” he said.
Jp rolled her eyes, “Amia, it’s OK, I’ve been expecting Coach Elrod.”
“Yes of course,” acquiesced Amia.
Elrod thought Amia looked annoyed. He ignored her as best he could, but did not turn his back.
The students had all moved to face him when Amia announced his arrival. He received more hi-fives and congratulations from the students. Elrod turned to Jp, “Hey ahhh, can we talk for a minute?”
Jp noted something was wrong. “Absolutely!” she said. “Amia, could you please take the kids to the cafeteria?” a quick glance at her watch, “ I believe the ice cream social is about to start.”
The kids resumed their excited babble as they followed Amia from the office. Elrod shut the door behind them.
“I have a big problem” he blurted.
Jp frowned. “What’s wrong?” If Elrod was worried, then it was a big problem. He was usually very relaxed.
“I have a very emotional robot cleaning out my office at this moment! He’s afraid he’s going to be scrapped! I can’t see any reason why he’d be wrong about that!” Elrod began to pace in front of Jp’s desk, much like Matt had done in front of his!
“What! I mean, What?” Jp was trying to process Elrod’s garbled ramble. “First of all, the assistants don’t have feelings! OK the newer models are programmed with emulated feelings, but they don’t really feel! Besides, the M.A.T.T.s were never programmed that way!”
“Matt’s not typical of his model. He’s now extremely customized. I’ve had to tinker with him over the years to keep him operational. Not long after I got him the company, that developed the Matts, folded and sold all the parts to Re-Tech. He may have received upgrades that weren’t exactly intended for the Matts.” he sighed.
Jp stood up. She was at least a foot shorter than Elrod, but as far as she was concerned they were eye to eye. “He probably should have been replaced years ago.” At the look of horror on Elrod’s face she said, “I’m sorry, that was cold. I was thinking of Matt like equipment. You’re right, that’s how the administration will consider Matt.” she started toward the door, “Come on, show me what you’re talking about.” As she left the office she pulled Amia’s remote from her pocket.
“Amia, I’ll be in the Middle school gym if you need me.” she spoke in to the remote.
“Copy” came the electronic response.
Jp informed Elrod, “just so you know, Matt's replacement is already here.”
“Oh? Where is it?” he asked looking around as if it was going to pop out in front of him.
“It’s not been unpacked yet. I figured that would be up to your replacement.” she glanced at him.
Elrod nodded. That made sense.
Elrod’s office door was open. A weird mechanical bubbling was coming from the office.
Elrod hesitated, afraid of what he might find.
Jp frowned. “What’s that noise?”
Elrod shrugged, “I think he’s crying.”
They quietly entered the office. Matt sat on a stool with his back to the door. The tasks Elrod had asked him to do where neatly completed. Matt was holding the lizard and talking softly. “My dear Golum, this is our last day together,” he gurgled and bubbled, “All my years of service and they are just replacing me like scrap junk!” more bubbling and gurgling.
Jp put on hand on Elrods arm and the other over her mouth. “He’s an emotional wreck!” she hissed softly.
Elrod threw his hands up, “I don’t know what to do! I feel like I have an old dog that the vet wants to put down!” he whispered back.
Jp watched the distressed robot as he moved from talking to the lizard to addressing each of the spiders and saying his farewells. She pulled Elrod out of the office, “I’m going to call the superintendent. I think, if you want, that Matt should retire with you.”
“That would be fine with me," he said relieved. "I hope I can continue to get a discount at Re-Tech.” he added.
Jp shook her head and smiled, typical Elrod, looking ahead for a deal. “You figure that out, I’ll clear it with the Super. In the meantime, give Matt things to do until I can call you back.”
He nodded and turned back to the office. After she left he stood in the doorway and watched Matt as tenderly addressed each spider. Elrod had no idea Matt had such close relationships with the menagerie. He supposed it made sense they all spent the nights locked in the office and Elrod didn’t always shut Matt down when he left for the day.
“Hey Matt” Elrod announced his presence in the office. Matt turned around. He attempted to wipe his face with an old T-shirt from the lost and found box. Black oil smeared across his face.
“Hey Coach,” Matts voice cracked with emotion. “What did Principal Jp say?”
“She’s going to contact the superintendent. She will ask what the plans are for you.” He grinned hopefully at the robot.
“Oh dear,” whined Matt.
“It will be OK,” comforted Elrod, “I promise. No matter what, I’ll make sure you are not scrapped!”
Elrod looked at the spiders. There were four of them. They were all big, hairy and beastly, but none of them were poisonous. “What do you think we should do with the spiders?” He asked Matt.
“I think we should free them.” he said emphatically. “We can take them to the old storage shed at the end of the soccer field. No one goes there. I bet there are lots of flies and other bugs! I think they will be happy there,” he nodded his head with a clank.
Elrod agreed, “Thats a great idea!” he handed Matt four jars. "Let's put the spiders in here for transport." They gently transferred the spiders to the jars. “Tell you what, you go release the spiders. I’ll wait here for Jp to call me. I should know by the time you get back.”
Matt sniffed and left with his precious cargo. Elrod watched him lurch across the gym and out the side door. As Matt disappeared through the door, he fished his laptop out of his bag. While he waited for Jp to call he went to Re-Tech’s website. A while ago he had seen a request for older model robots still in working condition. Elrod assumed they wanted them for parts, but he had a better idea. He called the number listed.
"Hello! This is Re-Tech, we specialize in the repurpose of existing technology! How may we direct your call?" answered the robotic voice.
"Umm, Who do I talk to regarding older model robots?"
"What do you need? Parts? or Purchasing?" queried the robot.
"Parts," said Elrod.
"Hold Please!"
Static played with music trying to win through.
"Hello, ReTech Parts and Service. I'm Bob, How may I help you?"
"Hello, Bob, I'm Coach Elrod. I have an account there through the school. Any chance I can get the same discounts for my M.A.T.T. when I retire?"
"Let me check your account, Coach," said Bob helpfully.
Instead of putting Elrod on hold he set the handset down with a clunk. Elrod could hear him in the background shouting for someone named Jamie.
Idly, Elrod rifled through the drawers of his desk throwing stuff away and putting personal items in the boxes with his pictures and books.
Presently Bob came back on the line. "You still there?" he asked.
"Uh, Hi! Yeah, I'm still here!" started Elrod.
"Sorry 'bout the wait," apologized Bob, "We, umm can't offer you the educational discount because the payments are tied to the schools account." before Elrod could respond, he added, "But we can create a private account for you and being retired, we can throw in a discount there."
Elrod nodded to himself and opened his mouth to say he liked the idea when Bob cut in again.
"Looking at the history of your account, we are curious as to the working condition of your M.A.T.T."
Elrod chuckled, "He works. Kinda clunky like a bunch of mismatched pipes, but he gets us by."
"Hmmm," mused Bob on the other line, "Don't suppose you'd bring him in and let us look at him?"
"What for?" asked Elrod not entirely certain it was a safe thing to do.
Bob coughed, "Well, seems your M.A.T.T. is the only working one any one has heard of in a long time. We'd like to see what you did to keep it going for so long."
"Oh, uh sure, we can do that," said Elrod a bit surprised.
"Excellent!" said Bob and he provided Elrod with an appointment, an address and a date. Elrod wrote the information down, thanked Bob for his help and hung up.
He was musing over the phone call, when Jp called.
“Stay right there I’ll be down in five minutes!” she said excitedly when he answered the phone.
By the time Matt returned Elrod and Jp were both in the PE office discussing the phone call with ReTech. They both grinned as he shambled into the office.
“Great news Matt!” Elrod could barely contain his excitement.
Matt danced from mismatched foot to mismatched foot, "I'm not going to get scrapped?" he asked hopefully.
Jp said, “Let me explain. The school has agreed to let you retire with Coach Elrod! Coach Elrod called Re-Tech and found out that you are very unique. They want you both to visit. It sounds like an opportunity is waiting for you both."
Elrod grinned, "I have a good feeling about this, and maybe we can get some new parts for you, especially to fix those leaking eye tubes."
"Thank you Principal Jp!" Matt shook her hand while fluid leaked out of his eyes. Elrod through him a clean towel.
Jp and Elrod laughed as Matt grabbed Golem and danced with joy. A dancing copper water pipe with a lizard was an awkward sight to see!
